I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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