i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
