Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
