just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
