I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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