I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
