You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
