when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
