did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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