guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
