Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
How drunk are you?
Completed.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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