Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
