Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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