My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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