can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
