She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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