when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
