he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
pray to the hookup gods
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
