Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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