New invention idea: vibrating tampons
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
