I think i sorta joined a cult last night
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Actions speak louder than pants.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
