Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
