I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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