I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
