It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
