I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
