she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
