I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Randomize
