i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
