I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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