I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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