john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
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