i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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