I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
