It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
