Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I just googled if crying burns calories
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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