I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
