After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
