I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
