If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
