He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
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