ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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