we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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