if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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