wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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