ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
