My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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