So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
