Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
