My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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