im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
