btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
