So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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