My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
